Let Me Make You Comfortable

 I tried to make myself as comfortable for others to see me and be around me as possible. Unless I looked in a mirror, I didn't realize how I looked to others. I myself have experienced being upset by seeing a fellow survivor working through the process. Even after my own personal experience I am still moved by their appearance and my knowing. So, I purposefully did whatever I could to help everyone around me be at ease in seeing me. As noble as this sounds it really was selfish on my part.

You see, when you come face-to-face with a friend or family member you see their facial expression as a result of looking at you. This was the difficult part for me.  I would get upset knowing they were upset because of me and what I was going through and there was no way I could fix that. This was even tougher to deal with because, by nature, I'm a fixer. So, I tried to fix this the best I could.

Three weeks before I started chemo, I got a short styled wig and got my hair cut short to match. So everyone got use to my new hair cut and then once my hair fell out that it was noticeably obvious, I transitioned to the wig. This allowed me to fool most people, other than family and close friends of course, for awhile longer. For the most part, it worked. I received compliments from clients and acquaintances on my "cute short hair cut" when I sported the wig.

Once the hair loss was to a noticeable point it was August...hot, hot hot. The wig for social events was usually not an option. So, I decided to go radical. I went to the local Harley-Davidson store and purchased a few skull caps/do-rags with flames. My point being, humor is great for breaking the ice. So, if I showed up at a backyard picnic in sunglasses and my flaming do-rag, the reactions of my friends was laughter because a biker chick persona was the furthest thing away from who I was. 

As my family and friends got more comfortable with my hair loss, I moved to wearing baseball hats most of the time. Thanks to a friend of my sister who had traveled this journey as well, I had a collections of baseball hats in many colors and was able to coordinate them with most of my outfits.

Once the ice of avoidance (because they don't know what to say, because they are afraid they would say the wrong thing,  because they were afraid they would get too emotional) was broken, I could be included like everything was normal.

Out of respect, if you will, I always wore my wig to church no matter what the temperatures or conditions. I did this because I myself recall several occasions where I would be at mass and see someone who was obviously fighting the fight that I hadn't known about in advance and found myself distracted with concern for that person and pretty much miss the whole mass. I didn't want to be that distraction for anyone. So, the wig became mandatory weekend mass attire for me. Which was also nice because acquaintances would compliment me on my cute short hair cut and I could respond, "thank you" and move on.